If you have arrived here because someone you love handed you this playbook, or because someone close to you has just been diagnosed, start here. It is short. It is fine to find this hard.
The things that will help you most to know
1/6 It is not personal or ill intentioned.
A forgotten message, a late arrival, a half-heard conversation or a birthday remembered a day late does not show how much you matter to them. ADHD makes it hard to keep up with the small things in relationships. Someone who forgets your birthday often feels terrible about it the next day.
2/6 They are not choosing it.
It helps to stop seeing their behaviour as a choice. They are not choosing to leave the washing up, interrupt you or get upset about something small. They can work on these things with support, tools and sometimes medication. Telling them to try harder rarely helps, because many have been trying hard for years.
3/6 Your frustration is allowed.
Loving someone with ADHD can be hard. Projects go unfinished, admin piles up and the same things keep going wrong. It is fine to feel tired, to need space and to ask for change. ADHD explains a lot, but it does not excuse everything. A relationship where one person does all the planning and remembering will struggle.
4/6 Reminders are not nagging.
Some partners stop giving reminders because they feel an adult should not need them. For someone with ADHD, a reminder is a form of support. Agree together which reminders help and which feel controlling.
5/6 Diagnosis changes the conversation.
Before the diagnosis, you may have seen some of their behaviour as part of who they are. Now you both understand more. This is a good time to agree new ways of sharing housework, plans and admin. A few sessions with a couples therapist who understands ADHD can help.
6/6 The medication conversation is theirs to make.
If they are deciding whether to try medication, try not to push either way. Some partners push for it because they are worn out. Others worry about it and push against it. The decision is theirs. Your role is to support them whatever they choose.
What helps day-to-day
1/4 Body-doubling without comment.
Sit in the same room while they do the tax return, the laundry or a form. You don't have to help. Being there makes it easier for them to start and keep going.
2/4 Externalise the system, not the person.
Put a shared calendar on the fridge and use a shopping list app you can both see. When household tasks are written down, neither of you has to remember everything.
3/4 When they spiral, don't argue with the spiral.
Rejection sensitivity can make small misunderstandings feel huge. Telling them they are being ridiculous makes it worse. It helps more to say you love them, you are still there and the feeling will pass. Staying calm can help it pass.
4/4 Celebrate the wins explicitly.
Many people with ADHD grew up being criticised for what went wrong while their effort went unnoticed. Telling them you noticed something they did works better than it sounds. Keep it short and specific.
If you are struggling
Loving someone with ADHD can be wonderful, and it can also be tiring in ways other people don't always see. Two things help. First, talk to people who have been there, for example on the r/ADHD_partners forum or with a therapist who knows ADHD. Second, keep time for the parts of your life that have nothing to do with ADHD.
Relationships between people with and without ADHD tend to go well when both learn how ADHD works and neither lets the diagnosis define the other.